Although I am very much an expert on a great deal of subjects, the truth is that I haven’t been around all that long. So how did I manage to gain so much wisdom in such a short amount of time? Through scientific research and careful experimentation. My nature is to question everything and leave no stone unturned.
My quest for knowledge is a lot of work and takes up a good deal of my time. It takes a certain type of person with the determination and tenacity necessary for the pursuit of science. Here a calm demeanour and an open mind are indispensable.
The greatest tools at my disposal are my five senses. They allow me to gather data, formulate a hypothesis, and test my theory. These are all critically important steps in the pursuit of knowledge. Allow me to share with you a breakdown of my scientific method.
The first thing I do when I encounter an object, is take a good look. This is a very important step and should never be omitted. Taking a close look allows me to determine if the object in question is a dangerous monster. If I determine that it is not, then I know it’s safe to proceed with the investigation.
The next step is to pick up the object. Holding the object allows me to turn it around and get a better look at it from all angles. I turn it this way and that way multiple times to make sure I haven’t missed anything.
While I use my hands to manipulate the object, I use both my sense of touch and my sense of sight to gather information. This is called multitasking and it is very useful. I asses things such as colour, shape, temperature, weight, and texture.
During this step I keep an eye out for any buttons, levers, or moving parts. If I find any I make a note of their precise location. These might be relevant in the next step.
The first thing I do at this stage is shake the object to see if it makes a sound. I make sure to shake it in various directions and with each hand in turn as some objects can be crafty. Then I move on to any buttons or interesting bits that may have been discovered in the previous stage.
If my efforts yield no results, I move on to banging the object on the nearest hard surface. I have learned that most objects will produce a sound at this point. Only my stuffed animals continue to be stubbornly mute at this phase of testing.
When the object does make a sound, the most important thing to note is how loud the sound is. I want to remember which objects make particularly loud sounds so that I can come back to them later. Other important factors include how silly the sound is, and how musical it might be.
The next sense I employ is my sense of smell. For this I use my nose. I simply bring the object up to my face and give it a good sniff. Many objects have no scent at all but some can be surprisingly pungent.
This step doesn’t require much testing. I simply assess if the object has an odour. Then I contemplate if I want to smell it again. Usually I do not, but on occasion I have felt the need to go in for a second sniff.
I utilize my mouth to apply my sense of taste. It is perhaps the most important of all and every object ends up in my mouth sooner or later. It is the only way to truly understand what an object is about.
Some objects taste good, others taste bad, and some don’t taste like anything at all. The flavour of an object is not the only information I look for. I also analyze the texture, shape, and composition of the object.
I get so much information by exploring an object with my mouth that even if the flavour is awful, I will probably taste it again. Science requires a thorough investigation. I can’t place my personal preferences above the demands of my research.
This outline of my scientific method is a simplified version of the research I do every day. It can be exciting to make discoveries, but it is also exhausting business. Next time you’re at work and you feel like you can’t go on, remember that it could be worse. You could have a toy bin full of objects to taste.